Murmur

My friend was asking me why on earth I need to make my days so stress.
I'm not intend to do so, but pending task is killing me at the midle of night,
it wake me up so violently, just for that remaining 10% of work, sigh...
I'm wondering sleeping pill might has become a lure to me,
I would grab it without second though, if I're standing infront the "good night sleep"
shelf in Boots now, no matter it would cost a fortune.

All this is an assumption I'd made only at the middle of night with my eyes opened alert.
I manage to hold myself during daytime, cause sleeping pill and constipation pill,
resemble the side effect of drug, ur body might get addicted and consequently impair
your normal body function.. this is me I think so much before I take any action,
except buying cloth online and in TK maxx... hehehe XD (no harm to my health)

Anyway the problem will continue and nothing could ease me into a good night sleep,
before I print out my dissertation and bind it in the library and and and submit it.

Again, my friend asked me if sleepless night is all because of my dearest mate?
It is a good reason if it is. Since, he is coming over to my place this afternoon,
so if he is the sleeping pill that I need, tonight will be a restful night, phew~

p/s: I cant believe I've sleepless night for 3 consecutive weeks.. Buddha bless me.

How fun can life be?

I don't know how I capture this picture.
I was using my HTC Diamond, trying to capture the little cute jelly fish,
to show every of my friend that I saw jelly fish everyday.

But can you see the face immerse in the sea, maybe protrude from the sea level.
Look horrible, but amazing.

Life appear to received numerous unexpected incidents, we have to adapt and finally accept it.
I was doing really bad in adapting and accepting the fact. Time is in my hand.
I spend it in a extravagant way to ensure I'm comfort enough to get over.

Maybe I used up the limit and the time that I was allowed to use.
So, I've to accept another fact.

Fine day

The dining table in my house, this is my 5th time using this table since I moved in.

I had curry rice noodle tonight, it took me more than half an hour.

I planned to eat outside, but nothing seen to suit me, so I end up carried a bag of potatoes,
broccoli and reduced price broccoli. Followed the stony path that I loath to go through,
but it looks pretty cute today. Nothing seen to be so concern anymore.

I always take the candles as decoration, I will never light it.
Candle will be used only at a black-out night. A person careless like me,
have a very high probability of burning my house if I're using a candle.
In addition, I can accept candle that my mom offer to god, but not on my dining table.
Yea, I'm weird.

I was singing so loud, as though I was home alone.
Again, nobody would care even if I're mad, so do I.

People lives in group as well as individually.
I'm physically isolated but mentally live in group.

Thank you for all the companion.

赵之璧 - 快乐是自找的


快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞坦白了 谁说这样不道德

沉沦是必要的

上升是无聊的

爱情是附属的

寂寞太吵了

快乐太静了

忧郁太放了

幻觉是重要的

清醒是明天的

失去是宿命的

变成负数了

我就失速了

再也慢不下来了

让头发乱了

让我放肆的唱歌

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 留你这一刻

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 留你这一刻

幻觉是重要的

清醒是明天的

失去是宿命的

变成负数了

我就失速了

再也慢不下来了

让头发乱了

让我放肆的唱歌

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 留你这一刻

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 没有遗憾了

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 留你这一刻

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 没有遗憾了

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 留你这一刻

快乐是自找的 不是你给我的

寂寞是可以坦白 谁说这不道德

我对自己诚实了

我对你也诚实了

是不是可以 没有遗憾了

The song I listen whenever I strayed in misery.

Strayed me

I was bombarding with myself a lot of positive though.
 
I'm currently in a stage which is extremely unstable, I'm strayed.
Suprisingly, I'm glad that I'm being alone and staying in a place that nobody know me.
I can walk out with a haggard look, with head down or nose up,
I'm a stranger in this strange country.

I get to know I'm not eligible to apply euro rail pass, as I've been staying in europe country
for more than 6 months, according to the wedsite, we are considered as resident.
A non PR resident, how irony. I've nothing here.

Everything happened in the past is just an tiny incident, I can't tell the detail of it,
but the followed grief is killing me. It seen like, collecting sadness is one of my hobbies.
How on earth, I got this kind of chronic disease.

I though I had someone who constantly giving me fully support and help, and now I lost and lose it.
My friend said this could be a challenge to you, this sound so familiar, which I told someone few years ago,
life is a cycle, and finally this advice back to me.

We always know the theory, but the hardest thing is how to practice it.
Like my piano test, I score high in theory but lower in practical part, I'm always good in theory huh?!

As well dreaming in an idea world.

A conclusion that I made for myself

I said "Hold on" to her, then I turned my head to my house-mate who stand infront of me in my room.

I tried to solve the "problem" who whipped into my room, I gave her a short speech to sort her out.

Meanwhile, her sound kept conveying from another side of phone, I realised she was in her own world.

I was speaking to another person, the phone was so near to my mouth, I'm so sure she could heard it,

if she had paid attention. But like a radio, it'll never stop if you din press "stop" button.



Quickly I gave N an answer and let her off.

Back to the phone, I was upset with She'd never stopped to listen while I was speaking,

she stopped when she want to get a certain answer that she expected from me,

which I have no idea what it should be. If I got to know it, I'd love to speak out.

Life is demand and supply. I'd love to supply to reduce problem caused from over-demand.



She was right in some ways, but she'd forgotten we human being is living in a different way.

Yes, I'm being too pessimistic in my life and too sensitive when it involved people,

I don't post my bad part of my life in my blog, I'm supposed and definitely is a girl who own the world,

and I realised I have never growth up in the past few years of my life.



People can't have a suddent surge in mental maturation, just like Buddha doesn't upgraded to god in minutes.

Please allow me some times, I'm not a perfect creature, when I first face to some sort of problem,

I'll have frustrated, depressed or even upset. Then slowly I have to accept the fact and adapt it.

Finally, I have specified antibody to its, I'd say I'm applying specified immune system.

Which required antigent to create memory to immune system, means I need to experience it to create resistance.



Yes, I do repeating this feeling again and again,but this doesn't prove I'm repeating the problem.

You might think I'm argueing with you with some crap.Because I failed to manage my own emotion
when I met someone, so I'm learning how to deal with them, getting used to this "norm" (a norm to them),

and becoming adaptive to every kind of situation. I'm still not generous enough to accept all the "fact",

but growing up doesn't mean you have the capacity to face every problem.

Growth up allow you to think wider than from your own shallow perspective, with this deliberate though,

you could help yourself on get through all the hurdles (in term of EQ). However, you might fail to manage it.

Because, the inbuild capacity is not high enough to hold all of it, my brain lag and my emotion spurt.

I'd say I failed to manage it in reality but mentally I understand this "norm".



How to increase my capacity??

My mate will look after me and expose me to this polluted society, train me to stand steady and calm.



I'm appreciate my mate called me up at the right time, so I got some time to breath.

I spoke out all the things to him again, he clear my mind, and I have a good sleep that night, after i hung up.



I appreciate all the people who approached me and tell me all the truth.

I'll manage my emotion bit by bit, hopefully, I can be a 80% cheerful person.

(100% will be a crazy person)

Good day, cold day in sheffield

I arrived Sheffield last night, met few weirdos with unzip pants.

I sneak away with calm, I always look no fear when I'm alone,

"nothing can scare you" whispering into my ears.

I'm not that bravery, but expose your nervous is not helping.



This few days, I keep straying back to the time in Malaysia.

How good it will be if I manage to go home now,

but it could be worst if I're still staying in Malaysia now.

No point to think about chicken or egg came first. Get real.



So, I'm now sitting in Sheffield University's library,

my hand is almost frozen, and my stomach is growling,

cold and hungry is the scene in THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL.

I've never expect the weather of sheffield can be so cold,

and didn't get to know cafeteria is closed during summer.



My cloths is too thin to warm myself even in library,

I wish to have toast and egg scrumble for breakfast,

I wish to reward them a pair of wings or legs,

so they could fly or walk along the street to my mouth.

Again, I've some sort of illusion of being fed by mobilised toast and eggs.

ha...........



It wont come if I don't pay a walk.



Well, I really feel well in Sheffield.

I gonna manipulate my lower limbs to walk and upper limbs to grab food now.

Ok, will update my ordinary but immersed in a speck of joylliness life soon.



After my presentation, Emergency party is needed!

Good luck to myself!